Lost In Motherhood.

Right there, at that moment pictured above. I found myself feeling a sense of fulfillment that I hadn’t felt for a very long time. Every day I wake up, get up, and don’t stop for at least 12 hours. I’m so completely devoted to motherhood, to being a mother who is always there for her children, who is there for every school drop off and pick up, every event, every everything. 

More than anything I want to be a mother who makes the best of the hand I have been dealt, I’ve worked hard to provide, I’ve battled demon upon demon to be the best I can be, for them. But in achieving that, I’ve also become tangled in a web of survival.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve survived. 

The thing is, life isn’t about simply surviving, is it? I’m the mum that attends every school function, who waits patiently at the classroom door every afternoon ready to hear about their day and I do everything in my power to make them smile, but inside I am always thinking about the next thing on the never-ending list. Instead of the blissful world of motherhood I had always imagined, I’m stressed out. I’m edgy, I’m always thinking about what I need to do next.

I’ve tried so very hard to be the mum that’s got it all together, it may seem that way from the outside, but the fact is, I haven’t. Last week the children were off school. We had very few plans, for the first time in weeks, we could just take each day as it comes. It was an unfamiliar and for me, a quite unsettling feeling. I didn’t know how to stop, how to soak up those precious days of having my children all to myself, it all felt very strange. Suddenly we had a chance to just be us, to laugh and play, have fun and relax together. 

For the first few days I struggled to wind down. I had a constant feeling of unease. I felt like I should be doing something, but the housework was done and the tick list was well and truly ticked off. The only thing I had left to do was switch off.

It hit me unexpectedly, that feeling of fulfillment. As I sat planting seeds with Mia whilst listening to Theo play with his toys, I remembered all of the reasons why I had always wanted to experience motherhood. I took a conscious step back from my need to do, and it was amazing. We enjoyed every single day of that week, it was exactly what we needed. I realised that the children don’t love me because I’m endlessly running around trying to be a good mother. They love me because I’m their Mummy. I’m silly and cuddly and spontaneous. In their eyes, I am a good mother. Whilst striving to be everything all at once, I hadn’t really been anything at all.

It may sound cliche, but stepping down from the pedestal I had put myself on was an amazing feeling. Instead of trying to be something I am not, I’m putting myself first and in doing so, I’m enjoying being me again. I’m enjoying motherhood again.

I’m choosing happy and in the moment instead of frazzled and wired.

Sometimes I still catch myself getting caught up in the unnecessary. My fight or flight kicks in, panic piles up in my mind. I just have to remind myself to rationalise my thoughts, take a step back and work out what is necessary and what isn’t. 

Running a business, a home and parenting two children is never going to be easy. It’s a very fine balancing act, an endless tightrope. Stress is inevitable, worry and concern will always linger, but Rome wasn’t built in a day. One day, it’ll all slot into place, but for now, I’m taking every day as it comes. I’m soaking up every precious moment with my children.

I’m going to enjoy my home and my children, rather than constantly trying to be perfec. I’m going to remind myself of why I started this blog in the first place. I’m taking steps in the right direction instead of racing towards the finish line, and that’s okay.

motherhood, parenting, mum, mummy, children, family