Taking a trip to somewhere new, alone, is daunting for most. Couple that with severe anxiety, and a whole heap of Mummy guilt, and you have yourself a difficult weekend!
On Saturday I travelled to Manchester for the Allergy Blog Awards, in total the journey took 7 hours, 7 long tedious hours there and another 7 back. I’d never been to Manchester before so understandably I was worrying about everything from what dress to wear to whether I’d end up lost in the middle of nowhere hours away from home.
This weekend was also my weekend with the children, they go to daddy’s every other weekend so my time with them is precious. But my trip to Manchester had been booked for months, long before the co-parenting arrangements had been put in place, and my mum assured me they’d have loads of fun without me, so I decided to take the trip anyway.
But I felt sick with guilt, would they think I didn’t want to spend time with them? Would they be angry? The thought of them missing me is hard, and apart from mornings and evenings on week nights, I won’t get proper quality time with them again for a fortnight.
I’m guessing that some of my fear was triggered by the anxiety surrounding my travels, mix it all up and you have one churned up Mummy…
How do you find the balance? Co-parenting and ‘working from home’ is harder than I thought, I want to be a mother who provides for her children, I want them to have the best that I can give, and to do that I have to travel sometimes and be tapping away at the laptop most nights…
I just don’t want them to grow up believing that I didn’t put them first.
Thankfully, my trip went without a hitch, I didn’t get lost and I actually didn’t scrub up too badly either! It was lovely to finally meet other free from bloggers properly and we had a really good night celebrating our achievements.
But my babies weren’t far from my mind, I wanted more than anything to get the next train home and scoop them up into my arms.
There are so many adjustments to get used too when you share the responsibility and care of your children, and it all came to a head this weekend.
Deep down I know that they are proud of me, and that their love for me is unconditional, at 3 and 5 they don’t truly know anger and that the three of us cherish our time together more than ever before…
But it doesn’t stop me wondering, am I a part-time mum?